Man, Xanga is soo old. I've had this thing since I was in 8th grade and now I'm a sophomore in college? Wow. However, I must admit, this is the only place I have ever blogged. It's probably the only place I really feel comfortable blogging on (since everyone has moved on to myspace, facebook, etc.) Yet, a lot of the stuff on here isn't actually relevent to my life anymore. So much has changed since the last time I wrote anything serious, but today I felt like reflecting.
Today is Wednesday, September 17, 2008. I'm leaving this Saturday to go back to school in Irvine. I don't quite know how to feel about it. I mean, I've done the whole "moving out to college" thing already once before, but this time around is totally different. This time it's all about the apartment, finding work, figuring out my major, etc. Last year, I don't really remember worrying about anything. I was just wishing I could hang out with my friends again like I did all of last summer. This summer was definitely not like the last. I felt rundown...maybe even sad like when you realize life has gone by so fast and you didn't have enough time to enjoy it. There were spouts of happiness and good times this summer too, I can't forget that. But this all too familiar packing and moving out business is bringing about bittersweet feelings. At times I want to leave, get away from here. Live a different life elsewhere so no one can monitor my life and tell me what to do and how to act. But then again, what better place to live than in your own house where everything is there for you?
For those of you who know me well, you know that I thrive off independence and I would rather figure something out myself than ask how it's done. I think that attitude is what keeps me going, what keeps me sane most of the time. The days when I'm with people, I feel fine and happy. I thrive off other people's energy. However, the days I'm alone I go about doing my own things. Sometimes I can spend a whole day out by myself and not even say a single word. But is this healthy? Do I depend too much on other's to be happy? I don't know. I guess it's just one of those things where you had something good, but nothing lasts forever. So, now it's gone, and you just wish it lasted a little longer. Then again, I could just be babbling and over-analyzing my situation. I hate that. Although, I just can't help but feel like I'm not that important in people's lives anymore. Not that I always was and need to be, but like I said, I thrive off of energy. I'm an empath and I can't help it. Sometimes it sucks because if someone is feeling sad and depressed I get into the same mood. I don't want to feel that way...I want to go out and be happy with myself. I try to be, but unfortunately it's just a facade. That's why I need to get away. I can't be locked up in my room at home. I need to constantly be around people who are lively. Otherwise, I start to think that one needs a significant other to be happy and constantly entertained will pervade my everyday life. But I know that's not true. Everyone was completely fine and normal long before any boyfriends entered our lives. And even if my friends constantly badger me about my lack of a love life, I won't give in. If it's not in the cards for me, then that's how it's going to be. Everything is all in the right timing. Jump the gun and you will end up in a rash situation, which I can't afford right now. (Damn, I'm ending up like my mother, which can both be good and bad. I just hope I don't have her impatience. I already know I have her stubborness and anger. But I can definitely do without the impatience.)
Okay, I'm going to end this now. It's not really a good place to end, but I didn't mean to write this long of a blog. Sorry, if it's kind of emo, but if you made it this far through it, I commend you. I didn't even know I had this much stuff to say. Ha! I guess I haven't had anyone to really vent to lately. I mean, everyone's busy with their own lives and such. But for me, it's back to packing my life away and on to "adult" life with school and renting an apartment and all that good stuff. Until next time...
